I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
