thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
