TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
