worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
