Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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