Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
