I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
