she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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