Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
