whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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