im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
