Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
