A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
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He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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