:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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