I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
