So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
