im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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