this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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