Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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