We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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