I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
