just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
