I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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