He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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