The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
