Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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