Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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