Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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