I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
