i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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