I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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