sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
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All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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