Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
