1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
