I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just threw up on my dentist
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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