her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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