I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Everyone says I win the strip club
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
