I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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