I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
