he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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