what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
