Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So much Jack, so little girl.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
