I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
