I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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