I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im holly from the hills drunk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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