I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
