shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
