i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
