Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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