i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It's Friday. Sex?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
