just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
