He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
