mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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