I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
