Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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