im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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